Anyone who claims they've never grabbed a random object and used it as a microphone to sing to a Journey song has pants that are on fire.

— Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) June 21, 2013

I wish "queer eye for the straight guy" was still on, so i could keep pretending my girlfriend makes me watch it.

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) June 12, 2011

BRO DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT?

— Whatevers Clever (@wittybigtwittys) June 20, 2013

Matt Damon running home after being teased on set by the other actors. "I wish I was never Bourne!" He shouts

— ＣＨＵＲＬＩＳＨ (@Cryptoterra) April 15, 2013

I just saw a Dominos ad with the tag: "Get out of your comfort zone." If you are ordering Dominos you are already comfortably in your zone.

— Wil Anderson (@Wil_Anderson) June 29, 2013

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.

— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012

James Gandolfini's finally made it through the pearly gates, after having spent 3 days explaining the ending of "Sopranos" to St Peter.

— Neal Mayhem (@RealNealMayhem) June 24, 2013

"I'll see you ladies later." ( • _ •) ( • _ •)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) *moonwalks away*

— noog (@noogscorner) July 5, 2013

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

— BAZZA_AUSTRALIA (@Barry_Australia) July 5, 2013

I thought NASCAR was just redneck for "nice car"

— ☮ krispy ✌ (@kristynhearts) July 5, 2013

You fucked up big-time, Kurt Cobain! You could have been in the Foo Fighters!

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) July 9, 2013

I DO WHATEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T CONFLICT WITH MY KIDS’ PIANO LESSONS MUTHAFUCKA

— NotJPo (@NotJPo) July 9, 2013

If a picture says a thousand words, why do you need 22 hashtags on your Instagram photographs?

— Andy Thompson (@AndyJTee) April 30, 2013

Best part about having a history of sleep walking is being able to take a morning shit in the litter box without people thinking less of you

— Lou Sputtole (@WeissBrandon) July 1, 2013

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.

— BAZZA_AUSTRALIA (@Barry_Australia) July 6, 2013

John Stamos should make a porno called, " Gettin' Messy with Uncle Jessie."

— Jimbabwe (@JimmyFett) June 15, 2013

Sex would be more fun if vaginas were like piñatas & candy fell out after instead of those baby things.

— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) November 26, 2011

'FUCK OXIDANTS!' - antioxidants

— Aristotle Georgeson (@STOTLE) June 14, 2013

Having sex with me is like eating too much chocolate. Before you know it I'm going straight to your ass.

— Lemmy (@lemmywinkler) June 19, 2013

Fart Roulette – Farting wearing an Ipod in a crowded place and not knowing whether it made a sound or not until you see peoples reactions.

— Bad Bad Leeroy Brown (@bdbdleeroybrown) May 11, 2011

I'm not a dog scientist or anything, but if you gave a pug a lemon, its face would come out of its asshole.

— christopher. (@fightforfood) June 19, 2013

Girls, having a hard time getting laid? Walk up to a guy and tell him you have a vagina. Bam. Sex

— Douche Canoe (@DesignerCunt) June 21, 2013

How to kill a white boy 1) Get him to lay down the boogey 2) And play that funky music till he dies

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) February 13, 2013

Stop giving Amanda Bynes a hard time. Her mom is stranded in a hot air balloon. Let her grieve in her own way.

— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) May 2, 2013

Tip: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.

— Kobayashi Maru (@CosmicHooker) June 24, 2013

Tell a girl that you "like where her head is at" then wait & say "but I'd like it better if it was on my dick" She'll fall in love with you.

— Gio (@nerdsrockk) June 25, 2013

A walrus is just a seal with a porn mustache.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) May 15, 2012

Why do I love being naked? Because I wasn't born into a burqa, that's why.

— BridgetPhetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) June 20, 2013

Good luck making fun of me better than I can make fun of myself.

— Brain R Cade (@iRandumbs) June 13, 2013

Guys who put down women? Leave that shit to us. No one can insult a woman like another woman. No one.

— Paige Binder (@Lpbinder) June 21, 2013

Micheal J Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday. They are still shaking hands....

— John Martinez (@TitansHomer) November 14, 2012